SUBMITTED FOR WORKSHOPPING
Aug. 3rd, 2005 05:30 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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silwritersguildI hereby submit Chapter 24 of The Lord of the Jewels
It can be found in two parts (because of the way that I posted it) on the July 29th entry of this journal.
Here are some points I wanted to discuss, and questions I had about this piece:
1) Irmo and Este traveled to the Halls of Mandos with the others, but I did not have them do or say anything in this Chapter. Is it necessary to do that? If a group of people are present in a chapter, should each one have to speak or take some sort of action? Is it OK if some of them just hang around?
2) If I were to include Irmo & Este, I would do it for these reasons: (i) they are actually nice people. Some of the other Valar are questionable, but I would separate out I & E to contrast them with the others, and (ii) I would have Irmo approach Mandos and say something like this: "Brother, I believe that what you and Manwe plan to do is against the policies of the Valar that we planned, along with Eru, far back in the history of Ea. We were to be the protectors of the Children of Iluvatar; and especially the Firstborn. Este and I have talked about this, and we do not agree with the sacrifice that you plan with Manwe, to throw Feanor to Morgoth as if he were distaff to be tossed away so lightly. It is a life I speak of, Mandos, yet he be dead and then resurrected. He once was the greatest of his kind. What you do is wrong". Or something along those lines. Again, it would be to separate them from the rest.
3) Does anything come across as muddled in this Chapter? (Despite the fact it's out of context.)
4) Have I made any errors regarding canonical history? This is not entirely an AU story, but some aspects that I wanted to keep AU are:
- when you go to Valinor, you become immortal.
- you can die there, but you will go to the Halls of Mandos.
- some of the characters who never met in Tolkien's writings, WILL meet in mine.
- there are new characters in this story.
5) Is Lindaril a Mary Sue? - she is not from our world.
- she is not perfect.
- while she is an OFC, she is related to
some of Tolkien's real characters.
6) What I think the strengths are: - good characterizations
- exciting, plot-driven story
7) The weaknesses: - too rushed a writing style
- not enough descriptions or dialogue, which would
serve to slow the pace
It can be found in two parts (because of the way that I posted it) on the July 29th entry of this journal.
Here are some points I wanted to discuss, and questions I had about this piece:
1) Irmo and Este traveled to the Halls of Mandos with the others, but I did not have them do or say anything in this Chapter. Is it necessary to do that? If a group of people are present in a chapter, should each one have to speak or take some sort of action? Is it OK if some of them just hang around?
2) If I were to include Irmo & Este, I would do it for these reasons: (i) they are actually nice people. Some of the other Valar are questionable, but I would separate out I & E to contrast them with the others, and (ii) I would have Irmo approach Mandos and say something like this: "Brother, I believe that what you and Manwe plan to do is against the policies of the Valar that we planned, along with Eru, far back in the history of Ea. We were to be the protectors of the Children of Iluvatar; and especially the Firstborn. Este and I have talked about this, and we do not agree with the sacrifice that you plan with Manwe, to throw Feanor to Morgoth as if he were distaff to be tossed away so lightly. It is a life I speak of, Mandos, yet he be dead and then resurrected. He once was the greatest of his kind. What you do is wrong". Or something along those lines. Again, it would be to separate them from the rest.
3) Does anything come across as muddled in this Chapter? (Despite the fact it's out of context.)
4) Have I made any errors regarding canonical history? This is not entirely an AU story, but some aspects that I wanted to keep AU are:
- when you go to Valinor, you become immortal.
- you can die there, but you will go to the Halls of Mandos.
- some of the characters who never met in Tolkien's writings, WILL meet in mine.
- there are new characters in this story.
5) Is Lindaril a Mary Sue? - she is not from our world.
- she is not perfect.
- while she is an OFC, she is related to
some of Tolkien's real characters.
6) What I think the strengths are: - good characterizations
- exciting, plot-driven story
7) The weaknesses: - too rushed a writing style
- not enough descriptions or dialogue, which would
serve to slow the pace
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no subject
Date: 2005-08-06 04:00 pm (UTC)1)It wouuld probably be better to have them say or do something, to reinforce their presence.
2)That's a nice speech.
3)Not that I can recall, no.
4)Feanor is Galadriel's half-uncle, not her cousin.
5)She is too powerful - but you dealt with that by the end!
7)I agree, this story wouldn't lose anything if you added some more dialogue, but it's not obviously lacking.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-06 04:14 pm (UTC)REPLY TO POST ON CHAPTER 24
Date: 2005-08-07 06:21 pm (UTC)In response to your comments, which were quite constructive:
1) I thought so, too, so I will probably go in and add that little speech.
2) Thank you, re: the speech. I probably won't change it too much.
3) That's good. In such a busy story, I wanted to be sure that everything was clear.
4) Yikes! I know! I caught my error a little too late, but thought I had corrected it (I must have missed a line). I have gone back into TFF and corrected it there.
5) OK - Lindaril. She is as powerful as Luthien, and there is a reason for that. It will be revealed in my next story, which is a sequel to this one. I don't know why it bothers me that she is Mary-Sue-ish. I guess it's because I didn't know what that was until a month ago. This story was conceived & written over a year ago, before I knew that fan fiction existed. And, I guess I wanted to get across the idea that to commit a great and powerful act, as she did, one must almost have to be insane, because no normal person would ever attempt to do such a thing. Also, I wanted her to do the equivalent of what Beren & Luthien had previously done to Morgoth.
6) Yeah, someone else told me that the story could be made larger, and I thought more dialogue could do the trick. I actually cut a lot out of this story to make it easier to read, but then I wondered if it moved so quickly that some plot points get lost.
So, to wrap up, I thank you for your helpful advice and your comments. They are much appreciated.
Re: REPLY TO POST ON CHAPTER 24
Date: 2005-08-25 05:37 pm (UTC)She is as powerful as Luthien, and there is a reason for that. It will be revealed in my next story, which is a sequel to this one.
I'll look forward to reading it. Oddly enough I found Luthien mildly irritating the first time I read 'The Silmarillion' because she alternated between superpowers and fainting (and if she could defeat Sauron and Morgoth so easily why on earth didn't she, or her mother, do it before?). Lindaril, on the other hand is far more likeable on first reading because of her social ineptitude and somewhat dubious ethics!
I don't know why it bothers me that she is Mary-Sue-ish.
Perhaps because of the way M-S's are so frowned on by reviewers on FF.net? In some fandoms it has reached the point where any OFC is automatically called a Sue.
I actually cut a lot out of this story to make it easier to read
Perhaps you could post an 'extended edition'!
Re: REPLY TO POST ON CHAPTER 24
Date: 2005-08-26 05:53 pm (UTC)Re: REPLY TO POST ON CHAPTER 24
Date: 2005-08-26 06:22 pm (UTC)May I 'friend' you to keep up with the story?
Re: REPLY TO POST ON CHAPTER 24
Date: 2005-08-26 08:10 pm (UTC)