young Feanor ficlet, take 2

[martal0712.livejournal.com]

Hey guys,

Here is a new draft of the young Feanor drabble I posted last night. This one is 150 words.

The original version, a true drabble, is available at http://martal0712.livejournal.com/29178.html . Rhapsody and Tehta identified many things that I hadn't thought of before. I'm interested in your opinion specifically: have I addressed your concerns?

Any other concrit is welcome as well.

Sand and Flame

Fëanor paced down the shore, skipping pebbles across the lake. Indis, that damnable sycophant, had been kind enough. What did she know of any craft but flattery? His master had granted him a rare smile, even Father had praised it. A fine first cutting.

He saw past their cosseting words. The script was wobbly, a humiliation, but they would not allow him to destroy it. Crystal was Aulë's gift; who was he to reduce it to shards?

Plunk. His stone sank straight away. He sighed in frustration, took another step, and... he stopped. The sand rustled under his boot. The sound was not new to him, but the idea of using them was. Those grains were small but strong. Would fire meld them together and make something large enough to etch?

He scooped it up and ran to the forges. What he created himself, he could destroy whenever he wanted.

Comments

[martal0712.livejournal.com]

Hi Tehta,

Thanks for taking the time to reply again. I really appreciate you pushing me.

the "plunk"s

You're right, they were too much. I have removed the first and reworked a little what is happening. The idea is that as Feanor thinks about his family, he gets madder and does not mena for the stone to not skip. I think having the one plunk there might work, but if you disagree I'm sure I can take it out and use the word elsewhere.

sand being harder than glass

Thanks for pointing that out. I have so little experience with this kind of thing, never having handled a lot of sand (I'm more a mountain than a beach girl), but I think you're right. I've reworded to address this problem, I hope.

crystal

You say "you no longer explain that F had been carving in crystal". But I do mention that "Crystal was Aulë's gift; who was he to reduce it to shards?" which I hoped would make it clear that Feanor had been working with crystal. Do you have any suggestions for how I can make this clearer?

Glad you liked the stuff about Indis! I think Finwe would be looking for a queen, someone who could bear children and help him diplomatically in his work governing the Noldor - and that type of person would seem very fickle to an artist who cared more for his craft than anything else.

And glad the bit about Aule worked for you as well. In the back of my mind that was why Feanor wasn't allowed to destroy the carving. Crystal certainly wouldn't be in short supply, but if it was seen as being a particular gift to the craftsman by the gods it would be irreverent of them to destroy it.

Btw - I am moving this weekend so if you reply and I don't get around to it in the next six or so hours I won't be able to reply until Monday afternoon.