Young!Feanor Drabble

[martal0712.livejournal.com]

Hey guys,

I recently posted a drabble over at my journal:

http://martal0712.livejournal.com/29178.html

It is about a young Feanor who is still learning his craft. And I think I struggled to capture the voice of a young Noldorin elf. I wanted to him in-character but didn't want it to sound too "high" because he is still more or less the elven equivalent of a teenager.

If anyone has the time and interest, I would really appreciate have a Feanatic look over the drabble for me. Does the language seem out of place anywhere? Are Feanor's actions true to how you think he would act?

Thanks in advance.

Comments

[rhapsody11.livejournal.com]

Hang on, take two (more constructive I hope)

When I read the drabble I have no clue what age you are trying to portray here. You say you write a wee!Feanor, but his language and word use doesn't reflect that at all. If Feanor, given the language you chose for this drabble, would be wandering on the beach and discovering the art of glass, I wonder if he wouldn't be more infuriated by what happened with his parents. What I read here fits more an adolescent person and not a grumpy elfling with quite a temper (don't be mistaken, even babies can already show a fiery temper) who feels not treated right because he wants his real mom to appraise his work, comfort him ect ect.

Besides that, I really don't see a craftsman and fiery spirit like Feanor sulking. Maybe contemplating, gazing, muttering, pacing up and down ect ect would be more fitting. As far as I know (will dive into the books, but I recently studied that part of the Silm closely), he was mature when his father married Indis, so I have to admit that that put me off at instant.

As for the language it feels too choppy in the form of the sentences, I think if you make longer sentences the flow would be more natural. I have a hard time getting a feel what is really going through his mind, so I just can't seem to connect with your main character. So my advise would be to adjust the language to the age you had in mind and try to see what a young elfling really would be concerned about. I think if you try that, you would have a better feeling about it.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I think martal0712 *was* aiming to write a teenager rather than an "elfling"--at least that's what she says in her entry! However, your comment has made me notice something: I am not sure that "sulked" is the right word to use, because I doubt Feanor would think of himself as doing that, and the drabble does seem to be in his head, at least later on.

Also I think the sentence length is a question of personal taste. I like them, especially in drabbles which have to be very economical with language.

[rhapsody11.livejournal.com]

When I see a topic stating wee! I do not see an adolescent person. Wee is little, toddler style. Or maybe I've been reading and writing hobbits too much.

I hardly use a staccatto style in my drabbles because even with writing you even can manage to write 100 words in normal length sentences. Trust me, you can. Often when I see short sentences like that I wonder if the writing can't be more efficient. She asked for specific feedback, and well I am giving that to her.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

I suppose that she changed the entry after you posted your comment, then, because when I read it was titled Young!Feanor it said that he is still more or less the elven equivalent of a teenager.

Trust me, you can.

I trust you, of course, and I was not objecting to the feedback you gave, just stating that, while the sentence length bothers you, it does not bother me. I do not see sentences of eight to ten words as abnormally short. But maybe she's already used your feedback to lengthen them? Or, as I said, it could be a question of taste. Hemmingway's sentences were even shorter, in general, and some people love his writing.

[rhapsody11.livejournal.com]

I suppose that she changed the entry after you posted your comment, then, because when I read it was titled Young!Feanor it said that he is still more or less the elven equivalent of a teenager.

She changed more, so it is comparing apples to pears now. I don't have the old version saved, I didn't think of that (neither did I see a reason too though).

I trust you, of course, and I was not objecting to the feedback you gave, just stating that, while the sentence length bothers you, it does not bother me.

Oh I bet you read a different version (and others). What struck me as odd was that the beginning and ending had a normal pacing, but somewhere it suddenly changed but not with a clear purpose. If you change your pace, especially with short pieces, it alarms the reader that something is said which you should pay attention too. In this case where it appeared it wasn't. The version I read now is different and more balanced. So yeah.

Hemmingway's sentences were even shorter, in general, and some people love his writing.

I most of his works that I could get my hands on at the Library (that was more than 10 years ago, maybe 15) so yes I know that :) For Whom the Bell Tolls is my absolute fab, followed by The Sun Also Rises.

I think, if you are interested, that they most marvellous manner how a growing up child is written can be read in Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt. Look at the voice he is using there and watch how this slowly changes as the character ages. It's truly brilliant.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Okay, it all makes sense now! I guess I had originally assumed that if the author hadn't replied to your comment, she wouldn't have updated the story using your comments, either. So, well. It's good that she did change it though. I approve of people who ask for comments actually accepting and using them!

If you change your pace, especially with short pieces, it alarms the reader that something is said which you should pay attention too.

That's a good point.

For Whom The Bell Tolls is a classic. (And, incidentally, I've always thought that a deliberately Hemmingwayesque style would be a brilliant way to write Aragorn. Think of the manliness!) I've read Angela's Ashes, but I guess I should take another look at it as I remember it as told from more of an adult-looking-at-the-past perspective. But while we're on the subject of 1) children's voices and 2) gifted Irish authors, I like Roddy Doyle's Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha a lot, and At Swim Two Boys has some excellent young-POV moments, too.

[rhapsody11.livejournal.com]

Well, knowing Marta, I think she has :) *pokes Marta* I think in the loads of e-mails she hasn't gotten the time to comment.

I read Angela's ashes last year and I was swept away by it, I didn't see the adult pov at all *looks around for her copy*. I have 'Tis waiting for me to read, but I don't have much time alone to put my feet up and read. Also, did you know his brother wrote a book too? And this thread makes me want to read my favs again *sigh*

I love Roddy Doyle! I have all his works here, except for the latest and I am quite addicted to the Barrytown trilogy (especially of the Commitments where I have the book, cd, dvd LOL). I was wondering if James Joyce did the same too with his classic a portrait of an...., but it has been too long since I read that. I need more hours in a day.

[tehta.livejournal.com]

Yes, I have read 'Tis and Malachy's A Monk Swimming. They both have more books, though, that I have not even seen. I just remember Angela's Ashes as having some musings on miserable Catholic childhoods and various moral questions interwoven with the text, but I could be confusing it with some other Irish novel.

I love the Barrytown trilogy, as I am a big fan of humour-with-meaning. I also admire The Woman Who Walked Into Doors, and bring it as an example whenever people claim that writers cannot use opposite-gender POVs effectively.